JBSilBlog » tammy

Private: [Dreams] 5-24-07 — Tammy

JBSil — Fri, 25 May 2007 13:07:00 +0000

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Realization

JBSil — Sat, 05 May 2007 06:52:00 +0000

I’ve come to a realization: I’m glad that she broke my heart, so that I didn’t end up spending the rest of my life with such a horrible person. Given what I know now, I can’t believe I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. What was I thinking? Why didn’t anyone slap me out of it?

Private: [R] Weather

JBSil — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 15:02:00 +0000

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Private: [R] a penny for your smiles

JBSil — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 09:18:00 +0000

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Private: [D+R] It was only a dream…

JBSil — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 04:50:00 +0000

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Private: [Relationships] She’s deadly when she smiles

JBSil — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:06:00 +0000

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Progress

JBSil — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 14:57:00 +0000

10 lbs and counting. Although no visible change yet, it still feels like progress. *check*

Class starts 2 weeks from today. I thought they started on the 17th, but was informed by the lovely Maureen that the 17th is a Saturday, so I checked the schedule again and it’s actually the 12th. I’ve decided to take one class this quarter and one over the summer (accelerated 5 week session) for a multitude of reasons. Mostly because it will make my scheduling a hell of a lot easier, and make my boss happier, and probably be easier for me to actually keep attending the classes this time through. Here’s hoping.

Point being, I really am going back to school to finally finish. It’s actually starting to set in, now that it’s only 2 weeks away. Definite progress there. *check* Just got off the phone with the Financial Aid office, getting rid of the loan I worked so hard to get since I’m not eligible for it if I’m only taking 1 class. That’s taken care of. *check* Already transfered money out of savings into my bank so I can pay for the one class directly. That money will be reimbursed (back into savings) by my job. Saweeet. Still need to send over the pre-approval forms to HR. ~~Will get that done today.~~ *check*

I haven’t thought about she who must not be named basically at all, unless she was brought up to me, or something distinctly reminded me of her. Except to write this paragraph. It’s been .. a number of weeks this way. It, overall, feels better to not think about her. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss her when I do think about her. But, in general, I’m feeling a much more generic loneliness, as opposed to specifically missing her. *check* It’s also gotten to the point where what we had, while great, is clearly gone, and will never be again. I know that I have to find something else, with someone new. A large part of me wants to rush out and find someone right away, but that’s just the loneliness talking. I know that I need some time to work on myself. In so many aspects of my life, I’m not where I want to be, and I’m not happy about it. I know that I can’t find true happiness with someone else until I can be happy with myself. *open box* My therapist thought that was supposed to be his line, but I beat him to it.

That’s all for now. Much much more(for most of you) after lunch.

Private: [R] That’s just fucked up

JBSil — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 01:15:00 +0000

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Private: [R] Moving on

JBSil — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 10:48:00 +0000

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Planning 101: It’s not worth your time

JBSil — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 19:42:00 +0000

So much to say, so little energy after this past week of hell. But, a lot of you don’t know about a lot of this, so it all needs to be said. Here goes…

Friday was supposed to be a good day. My boss was out of town, which is usually a good thing. It was Ryan’s birthday, and we were going to the hockey game, and then probably out drinking (and looking for chicks, of course). I had the whole day and evening planned out. That was mistake #1. My boss was in and out of meetings all day. For some reason, not only did this mean that he needed to talk to me repeatedly, but also that he was incapable of calling the office phone. He must have called my cell phone a dozen times, in a single day, even though I kept asking him to call the office phone instead. Blarg #1. Right before I was going to leave I was informed that … well I can’t go into details, but basically I got a huge project dumped on me that needed to be done for Monday. Blarg #2, but not the end of the world. It’s not like I have a life, so working over the weekend isn’t all that bad (or out of the ordinary).

Went to the RIT Hockey game with Ryan. Wow did they suck. It looked like we were an intramural team, not Division 1. RIT played like absolute crap, AND the Refs called the entire game in favor of the other team. Oh, and my favorite part was the goalie constantly kicking the net off as soon as we got in a position to score. He most have kicked it off a dozen times, and never got called for it. Blarg. Luckily, I decided to go home and get some work done while Ryan hit his first bar (or 2). Got home, already pissed about working, and hockey, and needing to miss Ryan’s birthday, only to get a call from my mother to tell me that my Grandfather had died. Perfect timing.

Now, not only did I have to finish a huge project by Monday, but I had to be in Birmingham, AL on Monday, and I had to figure out how to get there and back. The only plausible tickets I could find were $1300, so I ended up burning 37,500 Frequent Flyer miles instead. I wont even get into traveling, except to say that of my 4 flights, 1 of them left on time. Blarg some more. I was in Birmingham for about 2 blinks of an eye. The funeral was sad, as expected. Worse when we all realized we were literally standing on, or next to, my grandmother Evelyn’s grave, who I never met, and my Uncle Rick’s gave, who we just buried last December. Mindblowingly depressing.

Almost everyone in my family told me how much they liked me with hair. Oh, for those of you who don’t know, I’m growing my hair out. I don’t know how long yet, and I don’t know if I’ll keep it long, or if it’s just an experiment. Right now I’m hating every minute of it. Getting to the point, one of my cousins, instead of keeping quiet or lying to me and telling me he liked it, decided to say, “You couldn’t get a haircut?” At the funeral. Right before we were about to carry my grandfather out of the hearse.

Although Papa’spassing was sad, I think we all knew it was beyond his time. He’d been suffering for months, and in the hospital on life support for weeks. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone. I won’t speak for the rest of the family, but I personally am happy that he’s not suffering any more. Again, speaking only for myself, I was lead to believe that Papa was broke, since he hadn’t worked in years, and was simply living off of his second wife’s fortune. Essie owns Dale’s stake sauce. For those of you don’t know what Dale’s is, it’s basically more popular than A-1, everywhere except the northeast. Apparently I was wrong, because Papa left behind a pretty big estate. Big by my standards, not by most peoples. But, a hell of a lot more than I was expecting (nothing).

His will dictated how the money be split up, but my father (clearly) doesn’t need his portion, so he’s splitting it between my sister and myself. So, I’m getting a pretty decent amount of money, out of the blue. Thank you Papa. It’s basically going to put me through school, clear all my debt, and uh .. a bunch more. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. Found out just before I left to come back to 7 degree Rochester.

I came home from the stressful weekend to find Tammy’s profile changed: It used to say,
“It’s over. Now I have to figure out how to live with it.

I’m so sorry.“
Now it says,
“I am stronger than I think I am.
Thank you, Matt.“

How am I supposed to digest that? What does that mean? Does it mean she’s not sorry any more? Does it mean she’s figured out how to live with it? That she’s over me? That she’s getting together with Matt, as we all assumed she would? Does it mean she doesn’t love me any more? That she’s realized she really doesn’t need me, and doesn’t miss me like she thought she would? Does it mean she’s going to forget about me? And why on earth would she feel the need to post that in her profile? I’m sure she knows that profile updates pop up a little “Read my updated profile!” notification. It’s not like I wasn’t going to notice. Why would she hurt me like that? Did she not know putting something like that in her profile would hurt me, regardless of what it means? Or did she know that it would hurt me, and do it on purpose?

Or did my feelings not even cross her mind when she changed her profile, which for 32 months was about me, to be about another man?

Dozens of questions. Endless doubt, curiosity, loneliness, depression, … I guess I’ll always wonder.

I also asked her to let me know when she got a job, because it’s important to me that she finds a good job and gets where she wants to go in life. She hasn’t done anything to let me know that she found a job. I asked her to at least put a little note in her profile like, “I found a job!” or something. Nothing. But, every night she goes to sleep at a reasonable time, with an away message saying she’ll be on her way to or at work starting at 7. So, apparently she found a job. Thanks for letting me know.

This post basically says nothing about how I’m doing, post-breakup. And I’m going to leave it that way on purpose. There may or may not be a post that’s actually about me, in the near future. Right now I’m not sure if there’s anything worth saying.

College.

Sucks.

Like whoa.

Let’s see, where to start. Well, it looks like I’ll be getting financial aid after all. Hopefully enough to last until the inheritance comes through. So that’s a positive. I think that’s the only positive though.

As you read before, I spent a lot of time figuring out what classes to take and when they were offered and how to work it all out, etc. I also spent time figuring out how to take two classes this quarter and still fit in 40 hours of work. It was going to be easy! I should have known that was a bad sign. Planning ahead always bites me in the ass. They canceled one of the sections of one of the classes I registered for, because of low enrollment. The only other section that’s feasible, combined with a new section of the second class because they conflicted, basically means I wont be able to work at on Thursdays. For 11 weeks. Which means, as you might have guessed, that I get to spend every Saturday for 11 weeks in the office, working. Yippee! Anger. Figuring this out took most of the morning, and was more than a little stressful.

They also finally posted the class schedule for Fall quarter of next year. There’s literally no way I can even come close to working 40 hours a week taking 3 classes. Especially since there’s only 1 section of each, which gives me no options. Basically I can work Fridays. Yuck. So I’ve been trying to figure out what to do for Fall quarter. There are lots of options, but almost all of them involve me taking an un-paid leave of absence from work for the whole quarter. This means bad things. First of all, I lose my benefits. PTO, health insurance, and probably most importantly, Tuition reimbursement. Also, I have no idea how it will affect my 401k or my PTO in the future. Not to mention the 2007 Product Development schedule which has already been sent to corporate, which doesn’t exactly account for me taking an 11 week absence.

Then come the questions. If I’m taking time off from work to go to school, should I take 4 classes and finish 3 months earlier? Or stick with 3 so I don’t overload myself (since that’s how I got here in the first place), and then be able to get tuition reimbursement for the 1 during the Winter? Should I only take 1 class this quarter, and take 2 in the Winter instead, to try and fix my scheduling bullshit? Will I have the exact same problem scheduling 2 classes around work in the Winter? Should I only take one class now and take the other one as my 4th class while I’m not working? Should I only take one class now and then one in the Winter and one in the Spring? What’s the difference if I finish 03/08 versus 05/08, really? How much is it really going to cost me to not work for 11 weeks? Obviously I can afford it, but what will the repercussions be?

Or, should I only take 2 classes in the Fall and keep working? Which would mean waiting until the following Fall to finish school. Will I kill myself if I have to stay in Rochester through next November? I’m really looking forward to being in the city again, and having 2 more Rochester winter’s does not sound fun.

Why does everything have to be so damn difficult? Nothing ever works out the way I plan it. Ever.